Charlie Sheen's final performance

I normally don't like to write about celebrities on this blog, but I just can't help myself today.  For a while now we have been witnessing the unraveling of a star right in front of our eyes.  Charlie Sheen has had second chance after second chance for years now. It's funny that no one really cared that much until porn stars got involved, now everyone is fascinated by everything Charlie Sheen.  Porn gets a bad rap sometimes, but when it comes to accelerating a celebrities demise you can always count on these sex crazed women and cocaine!

Ok, lets get back on point. This poor guy had it all. He comes from a famous family. His father was one of my favorite presidents and his brother was great in The Breakfast Club.  Chuck has what all actors strive for, a syndicated show that is on more networks that I can count and producers that let him get away with murder because of good ratings.  But now the chickens have come home to roost. After numerous legendary parties where 8 balls were the size of bowling balls and porn fantasy's came true, (I'm not jealous), Charlie has finally flipped his lid. After going on a lunatic rant about how the Two & Half Men producers suck and that he doesn't need the show, they finally pulled the plug. "I'll go do movies with stars if I'm not wanted", said a delusional Sheen. I hate to break the news to you buddy, but the only film company that might consider working with you now is the one that brought you such hits like Breakfast on Tiffany & White Men Can't Hump.

Misery Really Loves Company welcomes John Cryer, who got royally screwed today by his buddy. I also have a open invite for Charlie Sheen. Once you sober up and realize that your career is over we will be here waiting. For now, have a great time with your ex-nanny and porn star duo you're hanging out with tonight. Well, there's not much more to say. Click on the link below to hear and read about the demise for yourself.

P.S.  An honorable mention to the "not so young and cute anymore" fat kid from the show. It was good while it lasted. Maybe Charlie did you all a favor since the show was heading towards the inevitable jumping of the shark.

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Home Depot Friday Night Fights

Have you ever gone to a Home Depot to return something? I have, and I have to tell you that you can return anything.  I've bought stuff, taken it out of the box, ruined the instructions because my son decided he rather use them instead of his Dora the Explorer coloring book, installed the item, hated it, put it back in a ruined box and they still took it back. However, lets face it, it sucks to return stuff. The customer service lines are always packed and for some reason the employees, who's job it is to work the return counters, always have an attitude.  They act as though it's their own personal merchandise you have the audacity of trying to return. But we grunt it and ignore all that so we an get our $3.50 back for the wrong tape we bought.  Never do you think your walking into a wrestling ring to do battle with a killer cashier who's having a bad day.

Misery Really Loves Company welcomes poor 66 year old John Galarza, who tried to return a roll of electrical wire and ran straight into the fist of Shakima "the killer" Hardy. Bloodied and missing a couple of teeth, John's last words before being taken out in a stretcher were, "Only in America can you lose the Mega Millions one night and inherit the Home Depot chain the next! Thanks Shakima, your fired!

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Dr. Feel "a little too" Good

Everyone has driven drunk once in their life. It is absolutely wrong, but it has happened. One thing I can tell you for sure is that I have never wanted a drink so bad that I would crash my car through a liquor store for one more drink before I end my night!

Misery Really Loves Company welcomes Dr. Joseph Grillo, yes a doctor, who must have experienced a mirage when he thought he saw a drive thru sign outside of a liquor store.  Joe? Really? There are easier ways to get a drink buddy. Get help will ya? To boot, WE HAVE VIDEO of your attempted last call.

WARNING: If your looking for a doctor in the Rhode Island area you might want to stay away from Dr. Joseph Grillo MD, especially if you like to drink. You may wake up from surgery with a straw poking out of your kidney!

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Valentines Day "Bah! Humbug!"

I thought that on this lovely Valentines Day I would break from the norm and post a nice story about love and romance.  Then I looked around my house, which looks like a tornado (my 3 year old Tasmanian Devil) had just ripped through my living room. I've been feeling under the weather since my wife left town and here comes Valentines Day. A day that I have always spent with my wife for the last 20 years and that streak ended today. I don't even have a Milky Way to munch on. "Standing at the drive-in, branded a fool, what will they say Monday at school." Anyway, I chose this story of fantasy, bad luck and satisfaction instead. 

Have you ever been so excited for a party, only to attend and get sick a couple of days later? You read in the paper that you aren't the only one that got sick after attending the party. Under normal circumstances it would not be that big of a deal, but when the party took place at the famous Playboy Mansion there may be some cause for concern. Grotto Cooties!!! Yuck!

Misery Really Loves Company temporarily welcomes those who woke up one day feeling like it was Christmas morning. You were gonna do something that not many people have done.  The gates of adult toy land were about to open up and you would soon be tip toeing through the naked gardens of the famous grotto. Like Aquaman, you make your way through countless magazine covers that have magically come to life. You swim by them, admiring them like beautiful coral. Your in heaven, the last thing on your mind is that you're floating in a hot soup of nasty bacteria. Not only was the 82 degree temperature in the grotto perfect for that "fantasy come true" encounter, it was also the perfect mating ground for some mutant germ creations. After completed your lap you found a spot between Miss October 98 and Miss April 07. You looked up, gave God a little wink and like a king you summoned your prize with your eyes. Just like in your fantasy there was no instant disappointment as they both swam to you in perfect sync. Only in this fantasy world would that ever work. In the real world you would get slapped, told off and possibly arrested.  

You went home satisfied and on top of the world, but after a day or two you start to feel the effects. Not only was there a copy of the latest Bruno Mars CD in your gift bag, there was also a nasty little Hefner bug that had decided to make you its new home.  Flu like symptoms, fever, respiratory problems and violent headaches, sounds like fun especially after the night of your life. I guess that nothing's for free brother. That being said,  I welcomed you to the blog on a temporary basis because this type of misery is very temporary. I know that once you start feeling better and that little but powerful Hefner bug has been put to bed, you will eventually feel that it was all worth it. Well, was it? I want full details!!  

Happy Valentines Day!

Click here for MSNBC story  

Junkie Nurse Casareto

Have you ever made the decision to have major surgery, finding comfort in the fact that at least you'll be knocked out when they rip you open? Surgery, no matter how small, is nerve racking. Not only are there the unknowns, but there's also a trust issue between everyone medically involved with the surgery.  Imagine that you find yourself on a surgical table, being prepped for your operation. Your hoping that they put you to sleep quickly so that you wouldn't have to deal with any part of it. The nurse tells you to start counting down. You gladly begin, knowing that in a matter of seconds you will be in La La Land. As you begin to feel the effects, the same nurse bends over and whispers "We can't give you more pain medication. Your gonna have to man up and take the pain!"

Misery Really Loves Company welcomes Patient X, who had to endure the pain of a complete kidney operation with only half of the required pain medicine.  The reason?  Because the anesthesiologist was a pain medicine junkie! Right before the surgery was to take place, she had used half the drugs that were meant for X. So not only are you suffering from the incredible pain, but your anesthesiologist is high. Talk about a bad trip. You get this weeks Ouch Award!

On top of everything going on, now we have to worry that our physicians are junkies??

Click here for the gory details

Don't pay attention to the moving box!

Have you ever gone to the post office to ship something only to find yourself confused by all the crazy shipping rules? Ever since 9/11, shipping rules have become so much stricter so I understand how mistakes can be made, especially since the rules keep changing and are never clearly explained.

Misery Really Loves Company is proud to welcome the luckiest and unluckiest poodle in the world. Lucky for a minute when she was adopted, then unlucky when the person who adopted her tried to ship her to Georgia via the United States Postal Service! That's right folks, tried to ship a puppy in a taped up box! Then was lucky again when the box she was in tumbled over on its own and she was discovered by a post office employee. When Stacey Champion, the ever so proud dog owner, was asked what made her think it was alright to ship a puppy this way, she replied "There was no sign telling me what I can or cannot ship". Really? This woman is 39 years old! Do you think she has signs in her house that read, SLEEP, EAT, SHIT, TAKE A BATH, ETC.....  What a joke.

Click here for story. Ruff, ruff, yeah, in the box stupid!

INDIANA HAS NO BALLS

Have you ever been made fun of because of your name? Even worse, have you ever lost out on something because your name was a little off the beaten path? Imagine you have been in public service for most of your life. You're a Mayor who won four terms and was beloved by the citizens that voted you into office. One of the highest honors one could be bestowed with is having a government building or structure named after you.  This honor was ripped away from this poor soul. Not because he ever did anything wrong or because he lost sight of what is was to lead a city, that would have been understandable.  No, the reason for this disrespect is because his name is......

Misery Really Loves Company welcomes Mayor Harry Baals (Balls) of Indiana.  Although you could easily be man groomed, your name just cannot.  I understand both parties here.  On one hand, it should not matter that your name is synonymous with what you should avoid if you are going to wear a speedo, and on the other hand, who wants to visit the Harry Baals Center? I wouldn't be able to visit this place without feeling a bit, let's say, itchy. Sorry there Harry, things would have been so different if your name was Chaven Tess Tickles.

Click her for MSNBC story
       

Armed and Dangerous Cock?

Have you ever attended an illegal cock fight only to be attacked by a knife wielding rooster? Of course not! Most people are sane and humane enough to stay away from this kind of stuff, but in California, one poor fellow was in the wrong place at the wrong time when a rooster, turned terminator, miscalculated his death blow and stabbed the poor guy in the leg causing his death! I guess things are getting a little mundane in the cock fighting business, so in order to spice it up a little, they attached a knife to the leg of this poor rooster. Roosters have always been kind of scary to me, now add the knife and it becomes a down right nightmare! Hey, at least this cock got the last prick before being exterminated by the same folks that armed him.

Misery Really Loves Company welcomes Jose Luis Ochoa (God rest his soul), who tried to side step danger but chose left instead of right.  The only question now is if St. Peter will be able to hold in his laughter long enough to open the pearly gates for poor old Jose. Cock-A-Doodle-Doo my friend. Cock-A-Doodle-Doo.

Click here for MSNBC story

Oh, say, did you see Christina Aguilera....

muck up the Star Spangled Banner at the start of Super Bowl XLV? That just has to be the worse thing that can happen to singer.  That being said, lets be honest here, Christina is FINISHED! She looks and sounds like she just doesn't care anymore.  All those out of tune vocal runs shook Mount Rushmore to its core.  It's bad enough she sounded like crap, but screwing up the lyrics in God's country is unacceptable. She's lucky someone didn't open the retractable roof at the stadium and let the rest of the snow and ice fall on her. Hey, at least it wasn't me!

Misery Really Loves company welcomes Ms. Christina Aguilera.  Out of shape, out of sync and out of time.  Really honey? Is that the best you can offer us?  Don't worry, you will always have a home here.

Just in case you missed the ugly performance click on video below. Whitney Houston of Super Bowl XXV in 1991 she ain't! UGLY!

    

Ice Bowl in Dallas

Have you ever purchased really expensive tickets for an event, only to find yourself in a hospital bed resolved to watching the show on a 13" TV, in traction, check this story out.

Misery Really Loves Company welcomes the poor souls that got hurt today when a ton of snow and ice came crashing down upon them unexpectedly from the roof of Dallas Cowboy stadium, the home of Super Bowl XLV.

I feel horrible for those people, I truly do, but at least it wasn't me. With my luck, after waiting for the Jets to make the Super Bowl after 40 somewhat years, I would have been the one standing there when the avalanche came barreling down upon me. They would have found me in the spring, wearing my vintage Curtis Martin jersey with my prized tickets firmly in my frost bitten hand. I knew there was a reason the NY Jets didn't make the Super Bowl!

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BYE BYE HONEY! I'LL MISS YOU! RIGHT.

Things aren't working with your marriage.  You try to work it out, but you just don't seem to be seeing eye to eye with your wife.  No worries, just buy her a first class ticket out of the country under the premise that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Drive her to the airport, give her a nice tight hug and whisper "I'll miss you honey" in her ear.  Go back to your office, log into your computer and without a thought add her to the no fly list. "What do you mean you can't come back sweetheart?" I make fun, but this really is happening! The unlucky lady in the story below spent three years stuck in Pakistan because of a cruel, cowardly husband with too much power.

Misery Really Loves Company welcomes the poor women around the world that just happen to be married to crazy immigration officers who rather ship their wives away, never to be seen again, rather than doing something completely out of the box like... wait for it... a divorce! Morons.

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Facebook Virtual Voodoo

I never thought I would see the day when even witches and warlocks would go virtual.  I have always been a believer in the occult.  As a young boy I witnessed some crazy shit that can only be explained away by some spiritual force out there.  It's kind of sad that not even such an old practice like a good old fashion curse can escape the clutches of Facebook.  Facebook IS really taking over of the world!

Misery Really Loves Company welcomes Gov. Sule Lamido from Nigeria, who woke up this morning, turned on his computer and was Pinned instead of Poked. Hopefully, for your sake, the curse didn't take cause it couldn't get through your firewall. If it did take, a couple of tweeted hail Mary's should work.

To all who practice the art of black magic, keep it real world will ya!  Nothing worse than a witch with a Twitter account who is looking for ruby slippers on E-bay.  Very lazy.

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